Flashbacks

The human mind is amazing. Other than it's ability to memorize countless formulas and situations. And other than it's ability to love and to hate. And other than it's ability to know what's right and wrong. I love how easy it is, to remember things that hit close to the heart.

I was talking earlier to a friend for over an hour. She's going through the same situation that I went through Christmas of my Junior year. As she was explaining everything she was feeling, and every step of the situation... It broke my heart. Not just for the people currently involved and for what was lost... But also for what happened that December. I remembered perfectly how I found out. I remember having to be the bearer of horrible, yet potentially exciting news. I remember crying for how everything was going to change. For the experiences we'd never be able to have. We'd never be allowed to sit on the curb talking until 2 AM again. Hawaii was going to be screwed. And responsibilities were going to sky rocket. It was an adventure we'd never planned on. I remembered how badly I wanted someone to understand my involvement and heartbreak in everything that was happening. Gosh. That was such a... I've never cried as much and as passionately about something. I was so glad I could be there for her tonight. Because I get it. I understand it. I remember feeling like I was being so selfish for being mad. Mad about what we were gonna lose as friends, not for what they were going to be going through. I remember feeling like I'd been the one screwed over. I remember wishing I didn't have to be the one they both turned to. Man. I was so angry, yet unwilling to let them know, because at the same time, I did want to be there for them. I wanted to get to the end of it and be able to have helped.

Then there was the sadness. How sad I was for the decision that was made. How I felt it was my fault. If only I'd been more convincing, or even convincing at all. Instead of me concentrating on myself and what I would gain, I should have been concentrating on what I knew what was right. And that brought on being angry at myself when I realized how selfish it all was, for all of us. I still get angry when I let myself think about it. And I couldn't explain to anyone why I was so mad about it. When I spent night after night after night on the phone, listening to them, trying to just be there for them 100%.. I should have said something.

Oh and then the real anger. That didn't even set in until that June. When the truth came out. I'm glad she doesn't have to deal with this. With the lies. Lying for attention. About something this big... Drastic... Life changing... How could lying about this have even crossed someone's mind? Why would you? I.. It's unfathomable to me.

I'm glad I had the chance to be there for her tonight. I wish I'd had someone who understood.. It's funny that now... Two years later... I finally have someone who gets it. Who understands every single thing I felt. And that I still feel... When I think about it. It felt so good to be able to help someone through something I went through. I guess this is why it all happened years ago. So that I could help her. All the tears and anger that I went through was worth it so that I could be a shoulder to lean on.

The human mind is amazing.