I've learned recently that there are two different types of jealousy.

There's the type of jealousy where it's purely selfish. You see someone, and all you can think of is "I really want that purse" or "I would look so much better with that jacket than her". There's nothing attractive about that. It's a typical "me, me, me" attitude. Not cute.

Then, there's this other type of jealousy. And I can't figure out if jealousy is the right word.. But it's a jealousy when you hear something about them, and you're jealous.. But for a good reason. And in the midst of your jealousy, you're so stinking excited for them! You don't want them to not experience/have whatever it is you're jealous about.. But you do wish that you could experience it along with them.

Maybe I should give an example.

I've had this same scenario play out with a bunch of my friends in the last few months. A friend is going on a missions trip. They're going somewhere else, outside of their home, city, or country, and they are going with the purpose of helping others, showing them Christ's love, and just fully dedicating every ounce of their being to the Lord for a certain (or uncertain) amount of time. And when I hear this, my response is typically "I am jealous of you in the best way possible". 

Now, I don't think I've ever thought the thought "Ugh, I wish that was me instead of them". I'm always just full of happiness and excitement for them (and promises of prayers for safety and opportunities flow from my lips), and then I think about how badly I would LOVE to be able to just drop everything I have going for me here in comfortable, routine, Orange County, California.. And just go.

Go. Go. Go.

Not go on vacation (even though I did just go on vacation and it was amazing).. But go somewhere, anywhere, and just talk with people, get to know them, share God's love with them, and see where that takes them and where it takes me.

Now, I know that jealousy is not a good thing, but, I think I've decided that I'm kinda okay with the second jealousy, because it's kinda encouraging to the other person, and also kinda a motivation for me.

On the vacation I just went on, I got to spend a few days with just my grandparents in Tennesse (my mom's parents). We spent hours just talking about life and Jesus. And it was ridiculously encouraging and just an amazing time all the way around. I can't remember how many times throughout our few short days together that I pretty much just sat there, hands in the air saying "I don't know what God wants me to do. I don't know where He wants me to be going. I don't know what He wants me to be focused on. But I'm ready. And He knows I'm ready. And just in case He doesn't know.. This is me telling Him - I am ready!" 

I've been trying really hard to not have an attitude of being content with just "floating" right now. I'm at a spot in my life where I should be quite happy. I have a job that I love.. But.. I really don't think it's something that I'll make a career out of. Don't get me wrong, I love the people, but I don't get excited about working with computers. If anything, I love the fact that I spend every day helping people (even if I moan and groan sometimes).. And I'm in school, learning stuff.. But I'm really bored with it. I don't get excited about math. I don't care about geography. I tend to sit there thinking "anything that I don't know now.. Well, that's what I have Google for." And I just feel like I'm wasting my time sitting in a class learning things that I really don't care about. I want to be learning about Christ. I want to be out there, talking to people and sharing what I'm learning.. I have way, way, way more conversations about Christ and what He's doing in my life and in the lives of others than I do about who fought what battle in the Civil War and why 2 + 2 = 4.. I try to take "interest classes" to help spark an interest in what my major should be.. But I find so much more joy in pulling out a book I got from the Christian Book Store and reading that than listening to a teacher talk about something.. It's just so boring. If I'm filling my head with something, I want it to be good, Biblical stuff.

Don't get me wrong, I am content with life - actually, I love life! And I know there are people that are far worse out there than me - that might look at my life saying that they wish their only problem was not knowing their major, that I should be happy with just a job, a roof over my head, and family and friends that love me. And I am happy - I know that I am extremely blessed, and I try my hardest not to take it for granted. But I don't want to just be "happy" or "content". Because being content can oh-so-easily turn into complacency. And I know that this life I'm living isn't because of me.. It's because of Him. And I want that to remain my focus.

Jon Foreman (from Switchfoot) has this song out there.. It's not on any of his CDs (yet), and you can't buy it on iTunes. It is on Youtube though (click here!).. And there's this one line from the song that resonates in me.. "I want to thrive, not just survive".

I want to thrive. Not just survive.

And I don't want to thrive by THIS world's standards. I want to thrive by HIS. Because that is all that matters.

So, this is the original video that Rob Bell posted promoting his book Love Wins.

I will tell you, that my first reaction when I watched that was "Uh, I have absolutely no problem believing that Gandhi is in Hell". I've always been told that it doesn't matter how good of a person you are, it's about what you believe.. Who you believe in. And from what I know of Gandhi, he wasn't a Christian. But, props to Bell for using Gandhi as a way to draw people in, because (especially non believers) would have a hard time thinking about Gandhi - who is known for being this great peace making guy and for inspiring and helping tons of people - going to Hell. I feel like most spiritual leaders that I know would have gone the other way with using Gandhi as an example.. Instead of implying that how could you really believe that someone as good as Gandhi could go to hell, it should instead be even someone as good as Gandhi will go to Hell if he doesn't believe the Truth... Anyways...

This is a parody video that was sent to me by a bunch of people, and it cracks me up!

It cracks me up, because yes, he's making fun of Rob Bell's absurdity.. But at the same time, he makes some very valid points.

"Why not just talk like an idiot?"

And in other news, I'm bummed that I'm going to be missing opportunities to hear Francis Chan and John Piper speak while I'm on my vacation in a few weeks! God has a sense of humor, that's for sure..

The first thing is always that "Concentration" song. We used to play it all the time when I was younger, in the car and stuff.. Concentration, concentration is the game. Keep the rhythm, keep the rhythm just the same. Sub-ject: Animals. This might not make any sense in typing, but you'd sing this song while doing these 4 hand motions in tempo, and the motions were 1) both hands slap your lap, 2) hands clap together, 3) right hand snaps, 4) left hand snaps. And each action was done in tempo, and at the same time, you were singing the song, in tempo. So it'd be something like.. Con (hands on lap) cen (hands clap) tra (right hand snaps) tion (left hand snaps), concen (hands on lap) tration (hands clap) is the (right hand snaps) game (left hand snaps)... Like I said, I don't think that makes sense while typing.. But it was a fun game. After you decided on the "subject', you'd go around to all of the people playing the game, and they had to come up with something that fit into the subject, and they had to verbalize their choice in beat, but you had to say it while you were doing the two snapping actions.. Sorry, that probably only remotely makes sense if you know the song/game.

I got into the car and was going to call a friend.. And I couldn't hear the other person. Phail.

Thinking that maybe my phone was having  a temperamental moment, I plugged it into my iPod.

Still a no-go.

So.. I made an impromptu stop at the Apple Store at South Coast Plaza to get a new pair. I was ready to buy them, when a handy, dandy, Apple specialist mentioned that they'd be under warranty for a year. My quick thinking calculated that my dead pair is less than a year old.. So voila! Free, new pair!

But, this just went from a purchase.. To the need for a Genius Bar appointment.. And I suddenly had 45 minutes to kill.

Thankfully, one of my favorite places is about 100 feet from the Apple Store.. Borders!

And since I have a car ride up to Big Bear, some free time, and a ride home from Big Bear coming up, I decided that a book or two would be a good purchase!

I wandered all through the store, trying to find the perfect book.

I find myself drawn to the biography section every time I go into Border's or B&N. I love biographies. I think it's so interesting to see the walks that other people go through in their life.

I looked through the Biography and Memoir section a few times, and nothing popped out at me. I went upstairs to look at the Young Adults section (maybe Sarah Dessen has a new book!?!), and was disturbed by the amount of vampire books there are now! Holy crimony!

Anyways, on my walk back downstairs, I realized what book I wanted to buy.

She Said Yes, by Misty Bernall.

This is the second time I'm buying this book. My first copy has been read, written in, loved, and abused so many times that the spine is broken and pages are falling out. It was time for a new one.

What's so special about this book?

It's the story of someone that I want to be like.

Misty Bernall wrote the book in honor of her daughter, Cassie. It's the story of Cassie's life. She was a daddy's girl who grew up in a loving, Christian family. Then, as many people do, she entered her teenage years and got involved in some really bad stuff. She walked away from her faith and met some horrible friends that were horrible influences on her. But her parents never stopped loving her. They made tough decisions to show her some tough love.. And it paid off. She found her way back to Christ, and fell more in love with Him than ever before.

The book isn't just about a good girl gone bad then back to good. Cassie died on April 20, 1999. She was only 17. She died at the Columbine High School shooting.

It's not just the fact that Misty's daughter died at 17 that motivated her to write about Cassie's story. But it was Cassie's final word.

"Yes."

That was the last word she spoke.

And that word was an answer to a question.

"Do you believe in God?"

"Yes."

She answered "yes". She answered "yes" with a gun pointed to her forehead. And she died for it.

I remember reading that for the first time (as a 6th grader) and getting goosebumps. And wondering if I would have the courage and faith to do that if I had to. Correction: if I had the opportunity to do that.

Imagine if her answer had been "no". She still might have died. But man, what a different ending to the story.

Have you ever been asked "how do you want to die?"? I used to always respond "when I'm old, in my sleep". Granted, that would be nice (insert adorable death scene from The Notebook here).. But man, that's the number 2 way I want to die. To die for Christ? To have my final words and breath be proclaiming Christ's love? Holy cow. I'd rather die talking about Christ than dying, silent, in my sleep.

Lord, I pray that my faith is that strong.

Prayer.

Even people that aren't religious randomly pray. Now, who do they think they're praying to? I have no idea.

But... I know who I'm praying to. The God, my God, the God that created the universe, is omniscient, is loving, is in total control, sent His Son to die for ME so that I can go to Heaven when I die. The One that I strive to live for every second of every day. The One who never ceases to amaze me with how much He loves me, and how He forgives me every time I screw up. How He's always with me and always will be..

Anyways, I could go on for years describing God. But I'm not going to - today, at least.

As I said earlier, prayer is a basic part of my faith. It's basic, but so important. And something that I don't know where I'd be without.

As a (really bad) analogy... Think of it like addition. 1 + 1 = 2. We all know this, we were taught this in elementary school. And at the time, it was cool, but after we realized that 2 + 2 = 4, and 5 + 6 = 11, it kinda got boring. We understood it, what more to it is there? And then you learned multiplication! 3 x 4 = 12! Which, when you dissect it, is really just 3 + 3 + 3 + 3! So, it went back to addition! And then you get into algebra, geometry, calculus, and all those other math classes.. And you started being able to apply it in all aspects of your life (I'm going on vacation for 7 days, so I need seven outfits: 7 pants + 7 shirts + 7 pairs of underwear = 21 items in my suitcase).. And science, medicine, accountants.. They'd be lost without the addition!

And we forget about how important that simple math action is because it comes so naturally. And if we hadn't learned it way back when, we would be totally lost today.

That's how prayer is - or should. So natural, so basic.. But so, so, soooo important!

In Sunday School, we always prayed to start and end the lesson. "Close your eyes and bow your head. Let's pray." We'd pray for sick kids that were missing, and pray for a good week. Before meals, my family would always pray "Thank You for this day, thank You for this food, and thank You for Daddy getting home safely. Please bless this food to our body's use." Not because it was our "scripted" prayer, but it was where we felt comfortable. Then as we got older, we'd add more to it, and personalize it. (Which, honestly, I think is how our relationship with Christ is for most people. You start wherever you start, and you develop your own relationship with Him over time)

But now, as an almost 22 year old, prayer is something that I hold so near, and so dear to my heart. And I think it's silly that it took me so long to get here.

The first verse that I think of when it comes to praying is simple, but important: 1 Thessalonians 5:17 "Pray without ceasing".

I used to think that that concept was really hard to comprehend - how do you carry on a conversation with Someone that.. Well, to be honest, can be a little on the quiet side sometimes?

Yes, He may be quiet.. But boy, when He does talk.. Does He talk!

And people tend to forget.. It's not that He's not talking.. It's that we're not listening.

I do that a lot.

A while ago, I was having a night when I desperately needed to talk to the person who tends to know me the most - Craig. I called him, said hello, and started into my saga over whatever I needed advice on. I talked, talked, talked.. And when I finally stopped, he laughed, and told me that I had literally, literally, talked for 15 minutes straight. Without a single word from him.

And, believe it or not (gasp!) this is not the first time this has happened.

I don't feel guilty when I do that to Craig (he's used to it), but doing it to God? He's probably used to it (not just from me!), but boy, does He not deserve it!

I want to really focus on praying without ceasing. But, I also really want to focus on listening to Him.

Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way 
Every moment of the day, it is the right time 
For the Father above, He is listening with love 
And He wants to answer us, so let us pray