Maybe I've been reading and watching too many serial killer, murder, death type things recently.. It's caused me to have some really undesired dreams. They're not nightmares, just like, stories that I'd read, with me in them. And my friends. It's just weird. So I picked up an old Sarah Dessen book last night.. Hopefully the lovey, dovey, teen, chick lit will get my dreams back to more pleasant situations.

Anyways, so it's gotten me thinking a lot about death. not my own death - I honestly have no fear there, whatsoever. Yeah, I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep at an old age, or talking about Christ somewhere. Something like that. But if I were to die in a car accident or a health problem, or even as a hostage in a bank robbery.. It wouldn't be ideal, but hey, it was in God's plan, who am I to complain? Like I said, I haven't been thinking about that at all.

It's been my friends' deaths. I have my two circles of friends.

My friends that I know are going to heaven. The ones that I'll be sad to lose their company here. I will cry, I'll have holes in my heart, and less people to hug. I would love for me to go first, so that I don't have to figure out how my life will change and still honor God when I don't have my close group of friends around me. Maybe that's the coward's way out though, to want to be the first to die so that I can remain complete, but it'd make it easy on me. Their funerals will be bitter sweet. They really will be a celebration of their life here, and almost a jealousy for what they're doing then - they'll be in heaven! There will be happy stories and all of that.

Then I have my friends that are going to hell. That's really hard to grasp sometimes. That there are people that I deeply love here, that won't be in heaven when they die, hell is their eternal home. I don't know how I'll handle their funerals. I don't think I've ever heard of funeral where the pastor has said "they lived a selfish life where they didn't want to live for Christ, they decided to live for themselves, and are now in hell". I guess the only positive outlook those funerals can have is "don't end up like them, believe in Christ". I will be crying at those funerals, and they will be such different tears. I won't know how to comfort our other friends.

So I went to the dentist today. I've never had a cavity, so I don't get nervous about the visit at all. I'm sure I may get a cavity one day, but in the meantime, I have no hesitations about the visit. Actually, I enjoy it. Mostly.

The only thing that generally bothers me is that they want to hear your life story. At least they make you think they want to hear it. And if you know me, I have no problem at all talking to people. I will talk and talk for hours about any and everything. The only thing that bothers me is how difficult it is with their hands in your mouth! Dentists must have had to take a class on "Mumble 101" so that they can try to understand you. And they do try. But it's still rather frustrating that I can't speak completely coherantly throughout the whole visit.

Anyways, today's visit was really enjoyable. Like, ridiculously enjoyable. I've been going to the same dentist my entire life. My mom went to the dentist when she was growing up. It's a family business, the dad was my mom's dentist, and now his son and his wife are the dentists. So they know us all. Anywho.. I can't believe I forgot about how Susan, the wife, had been so excited when I visited 6 months ago about how she had just asked Christ into her life. She was so excited then, and I completely forgot! However, she definitely hadn't! She was still completely thrilled about her faith. It was so amazing. I'm "used to" teenagers finding faith at camps or in the middle of a hard time, but man. Adults who develop a relationship with Christ are insane! In the greatest way possible! Susan kept talking about how she just wanted to make up for lost time. How she had wasted so much of her life as a Buddhist or being "nothing", that she wants nothing more than to give everything to God. That she wishes she weren't so busy, so that she could spend even more time reading her Bible. But because she can't read and drive at the same time, she listens to sermons in the car. And she was talking about how she has questions just bursting out of her about everything. And how she's researching the questions she has. And even like.. She's not happy with the church she's at. And it's not that she doesn't like the worship, or something like that.. She has questions, and the pastor isn't answering them. And not just is he not answering them, he's basically telling her that her questions are stupid.. And she knows that's not right. That her questions, as a new believer, or a believer at all, should be welcomed with opened arms, not looked down on like a child.

Anyways. It was just amazing to see how passionate she was. How she is so eager to learn everything she can. It was an awesome reminder of how we should be. The Jars of Clay song "Like A Child"... They say that I can move the mountains, and send them crashing into the sea. They say that I can walk on water, if I would follow and believe, with faith like a child.

Faith like a child, faith like a child, faith like a child..

Saddest thing I've read in awhile.

I've blogged about it before, so it's no secret that I love to journal. And I found a bunch of old ones a little bit ago. I didn't realize that I'd actually journaled during my soph/junior year a bit. In a handful of random little notebooks.

Anyways, I found them. And I had tons of notes from different Bible Studies and camps and such, and I came across one quote that just hit me.

For a non-Christian, this is their heaven.

That was such a... Holy. Crap. Because it's so true!

Which, I can understand some people might say "eh, that's not so bad. Life's been pretty good here". But I'm sorry... Hell is... Hell is Hell. Think of the worst possible situation that you've ever been through during your life - a mom dying, a boyfriend breaking up with you, getting in a car accident and being paralyzed, killing someone. The feelings and emotions experienced during those things is nothing - NOTHING - compared to what Hell's going to be like. And those horrible situations.. That's a part of what your Heaven is. I love the fact that this life I'm living here on earth.. This is my Hell. This is the worst my existence will ever be. And I know it's hard for a non-Christian to get it, and to grasp what is so horrible about Hell, and so amazing about Heaven. Like, I know that the happiest I've ever been in my life here on Earth, is going to be non-existent and so far from my mind when I get to Heaven. And for someone whose eternity is going to be in Hell... When you are in Hell, you will be begging, pleading, CRAVING the horrible feelings that you felt when you had your heart broken, when you lost feeling in your legs, when you went to that funeral. Those feelings would be WELCOMED and basically a party compared to Hell.

Oh I am so thankful for my God.

And it's not cuz of "how the true meaning of Christmas has been lost" or because people who call themselves "Christians" crawl out of the woodwork and decide they should go to church (they'll go back at Easter, too). Although that is all true, that's not what makes me "not a Christmas person". I've come to the realization that there are three reasons as to why I'm not one to get into the Christmas spirit.

1) I have been in band since I was in 5th grade. That's ten years. And I love it, don't get me wrong. But bands in general get to play whatever they want. Whatever field show they want, whatever parade songs they want, whatever songs they want for their Spring concert, or if they have some summer performances.. But every. single. band has one "required" type of concert - a "Holiday" concert. Every band starts playing Christmas/Jewish/Holidayish songs come winter. When you were in high school, it normally wasn't until Thanksgiving, as field season was drawing to a close and it was getting close to winter break. Every school was busting out some Christmas songs for their concert and maybe a song or two (holiday themed, of course) for a parade. And right now, I'm in a community band. That has been playing Christmas songs since September. Yes, September. I've had Jingle Bells, Silent Night, Din! Dong! Merrily on High, Oh Christmas Tree, and all of the normal songs, stuck in my head since then. And by the end of the about 15th minute of that first rehearsal in September, I am over the Christmas music. Yet here we are, three months later, still playing the same music. If Christmas were in those first 15 min of the first Tuesday of September, I'd be a huge holiday person. But it's not, so... The music now just puts me in a blah mood and I'm over the holiday season.

2) I stress out. Over presents. Not over whether I get what I want (I rarely actually have something on my "list". Normally I just want gift cards to Barnes and Noble. Last year I wanted one thing: a new chain for my necklace because it broke during tour season. And I didn't get it. And I was crushed. And I didn't get it for my birthday either. And I cried. (I did get it a few months later..) This year on my list I had a curling stick and the Wizard of Oz on DVD, and I got them both and I'm beyond thrilled). But over what to get others. And not over how much to spend - I don't care. But.. Over what to get people. I'm not creative at all, so coming up with actual presents is a challenge. Then I'll come up with a good present for ONE person, but I feel guilty about not coming up with something for anyone else, so I end up not even getting the ONE gift. I stress and stress and stress. I know everyone will "love" whatever present I get them, but I want to be the one to get them "the" present, the perfect present, so I hate settling... That's another reason I'm not the yuletide's season's biggest fan.

3) And I just recently realized this reason the past few weeks while talking to Phill one night. Like, I was just talking about how I'm not excited about this season.. And I realized I haven't ALWAYS felt so negative about it. It wasn't until high school - my Junior year to be specific. It brings back all of those memories of that December. And so now every December, that's what pops into my mind. It probably doesn't even go through his mind anymore. I can guarantee it doesn't even cross hers at all. But it's always so vivid in my mind. And I'll forget about it most of the rest of the year.. Until someone mentions a few key words... But December hits, actually, December 2 hits, and it becomes the strongest thought in my head. Constantly. That's why I'm not a Christmas fan.

And I'm not a Scrooge, deep down. Other people get excited about it, and that's cool. I really have no desire to impose my blah feelings towards it. But whenever everyone else is like "omg shopping!" and "oh my goodness, let's go look at Christmas lights!" and "I can't wait for our Christmas party!" and "I love this music!".. I won't say anything, and I still get those looks of like "Uh, you're not excited..." and so I say "Meh, I'm just not a big Christmas person" and then I get the lectures and the "name calling" and I get them just talking and talking and talking and trying to like, convince me to become a Christmas person. Maybe it will happen one day. But seriously, I can be very stubborn, and the more someone tries to push me towards something, the more I pull away. So.. Please don't. Let me get excited about Christmas on my own.

I do love the real meaning of Christmas though. I'm so thankful that Jesus was born. And I'm in awe at Mary and Joseph and their faith and confidence that God knew what He was doing. I can't imagine being in their situation. But I'm so glad it went down the way it did. And that God is an amazing God. And that this day represents an amazing miracle that happened thousands of years ago. It was life and world changing. Gosh, God is incredible.

If you're a big Christmas person, I hope that you had an amazing day and holiday season. And if you're not, then I hope you've found at least one reason to smile today.

Jesus is the reason for the season, and I don't care what you say, it's true :)

Forgive any spelling catastrophes in this post... I'm using my work phone, which is currently a touch screen, so it's weird for me to type.. I miss my Blackberry.. lol

I'm in the midst of rereading one of my favorite book series. I think I was the only 9 year old excited, counting down the days for the next book to come out. I remember when The Indwelling came out, I came home from school so excited, cuz I knew my mom had bought it for me. And there it was, sitrimg on the table. I saw it, squealed, threw my backpack on the ground, ran down the hall, and saw that thecover page said "Assassins", which has been the previous book - that I had read months before. Confused, I started reading, and sure it enough, it was Assassins! What was Assassins doing in The Indwelling cover sleeve? I ran down the hall to see my dad reading "Assassins" (according to the sleeve) ans found out that my parents are total punks. Lol. I was so excited for that next book in the Left Behind series. And I was excited for every single book that came out. I read the adult books, the kid versions of the books, leftbehind.com was the first web forum I was ever apart of, and I had dramatized audio versions of the first 5 adult books and 10 kid books. Oh, and how excited I was when the movie came out!t Goodness. Those books were my first obsession with a series...

Anyways, so I'm rereading them right now, and everytime I read The Mark (the 8th book), I know what's coming. I dread it. I contemplate skipping the whole second half of the book. Reading this story about Christians being killed, by a guillotine, for not denying their faith. I cry. Everytime. Sometimes when Mrs Miklos and the other Greek Christians are executed. Or any of the countless others (hah! And the Antichrist thought the guillotines would never be used, that their mere presence would be enough to scare everyon into taking the mark of the Beast)... But I always cry when Chloe dies. And I just finished reading for the night, and I don't want to open the book tomorrow, cuz I know she dies in the next chapter...

To die a martyr, would be the best way to die. I think it's amazing. What a testimony. People say they'd take a bullet dor those that they love. I'd take one for God. Cuz who can I love more, and who could love me more? It's incomprehensible - that love. And I am so thankful. And so beyond undeserving. But so grateful for the grace and mercy He's shown me. I deserve the guillotine, and oh so much more. But it's all about what, WHO, you're living for. And any life that's worth living is only serving One Person. Anyone's life focused on something other than God is not a life at all, merely a presence taking for granted this crazy thing called life that He's given us. Heaven or Hell? If you're not doing something for God's glory, you're doing it for Satan's pleasure. It's that simple. Scary, but so real.

I don't care if people remember I'm a redhead. Or that I laugh a lot. Or that I tell stories with no purpose. Or that I can play a few songs on a few instruments. Or that I'm a good shoulder to cry on. Or that I have a ridiculous case of the hiccups... I want to be remembered as someone who loved God, and did it all - all of those silly things above - that I did it all to bring glory to God. To honor the One who blessed me enough to be able to do all those things.

Wow. That was a tangent. All true. Totally unexpected. Don't know where it came from, but I'm okay with that :)

Random:
It worries me that my school group is all about to turn 21. I wish my church friends were about to, too. I want healthy 21st birthdays to go to, not alcohol induced coma type parties...

I'm really excited to be leaving for the Philippines in less than a month! Ahhhh! So much to do before then! God is in control. Two weeks of God, family, and exploring the beautiful country. It will be amazing, I'm sure!

You're all in my prayers tonight.