Sticks and stones may break my bones..

That's a lie.

I can't sleep. And normally when I can't sleep, I end up staying up trying to figure out why I can't sleep. But not tonight. Tonight I know exactly why I can't sleep.

I received a lot of compliments today. I wore a cute dress and my hair looked pretty great. A compliment on Sunday morning tends to happen most weeks in some capacity, and I've been working on accepting them gracefully instead of turning them into moments of "thanks, but I hate my shoes". Today I received a bunch more than normal, and it was a nice little plus to my morning.

At some point this evening, I pulled into a parking lot and as I opened my door I got a text. I grabbed my phone to respond it and two people on bicycles rode by - looked like they were having a nice evening date. The girl then said to the guy "look at that fat*** being lazy in her car". I heard it, and thought "what a rude thing to say about someone", hit Send on my text.. And then realized.. She was talking about me.

She was talking about me. Because I was sitting in my car responding to a text (instead of running while responding to the text?), she felt like resorting to Junior High name calling because she didn't like how I looked. I didn't know what to do. I mean, there wasn't really anything I could do - they were skinnybutts being active on bicycles so they were no longer around.

I don't pretend to be a skinny girl. I should eat better. I should exercise more. But I am how I am right now, and I'm not going to hide in my bedroom avoiding the world until things change. I'm sociable, so I'm gonna be out and about, and I'll try and look cute doing it.

However... As they rode away, I wish I could say that I remembered all of the compliments from earlier, laughed it off, held my head up high and just continued on with my day. But I didn't. I sat in my car and cried. Now I was being a fat*** crying in my car. I haven't cried because of name calling in a very, very long time. I finally stopped crying, went inside.. Found a restroom to make sure I didn't look like I'd been crying.. And started crying again. Eventually the tears subsided and I kept doing what I needed to do 

I've stopped crying, but I haven't stopped thinking about it. And I'm not sitting here thinking about what I can do to prove her wrong. I'm not sitting here staring at a mirror, finding every flaw. I'm not sitting here thinking of all of the names I could've called her. 

I'm sitting here unable to sleep because I'm angry at myself for letting that one comment ruin my day.

I let that one negative comment overshadow everything else that happened today. I shouldn't care about what anyone else thinks - whether what they think is good or bad. But I let it overshadow the joy, love, happiness, and beauty that I have in Christ. In my moments of solitude tonight, instead of enjoying the silence I heard "fat**.. fat**" over and over again. I let that one negative comment completely wipe away anything positive that was said earlier in the day.

I could bust out a 1 Peter 3:3-4 quote here or Proverbs 31:30 about not caring about what you look like on the outside and how our focus should be on the inside. I could - those are great verses. But, the one that comes to mind right now is one of my favorites, and has nothing to do with beauty:

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10

I had that verse written on my mirror for over a year at one point, and it's what I'm saying to myself now, as I'm trying to get it to replace the fat*** comment. I'm not the type of girl that tells herself "you're beautiful" or "you look great today" when I look in the mirror.. Just because that's not me. But I'm the type of girl that tells herself (and will respond to) "Remember Who you're serving. Remember Who matters. Remember Who loves you. Forget the rest. You're a servant of Christ." 

I shouldn't be upset that I didn't get that girl's approval. I'm certain I fail to get the subconscious approval of tons of people every single day. Sometimes they vocalize it, sometimes they don't. But. Who. Cares. Their approval doesn't matter. The only approval that matters is from an audience of One.