I would have thought that it would get easier to send my sister off on these "trips", but the problem is that they keep getting longer ("see ya in 6 weeks!", "see ya in 7!", "these 3 months will go by so fast!", "you'll be home right after VBS!", "two years is nothing!"). And the goodbyes don't get easier. And her being gone isn't any easier. In fact, even the conversations don't get any easier.
Most conversations with my sister involve tears of some sort - sometimes during, sometimes after. Especially because of where she's located, for her safety we can't talk about everything, so sometimes the conversation feels so superficial, because that's how it needs to be. And I hate that.
Most conversations even just about my sister promise tears later that day. But that doesn't mean don't ask about her.. Because not talking about her can lead to the same problem. People stop asking about her, and that gives me a fear that people aren't praying for her - they forget she's not here (please don't stop praying). And then someone does ask about her.. and it's hard to decide in the moment whether you should tell them a) she's doing great! b) there were gunshots in the background of our last phone call or c) we haven't been able to talk in a month, but always d) I miss her a lot.
I have yet to pray for her without crying.
Getting together with family is bittersweet. We love being together, but it's glaringly obvious that she's not there. We're incomplete. At least some point during every time we're all together someone will tear up. Sometimes we're lucky enough to be able to get her to join us over FaceTime while we're all together.. But even though we'll take silly pictures of it - man, does it suck that she's not actually here. And the FaceTime is awkward because we want to talk with her and we know she wants to be part of what's happening, but it's hard to eat turkey and open presents while holding an iPad in one hand and she's ten hours ahead.. It's just not the same.
And then there's a bunch of little things that no one warns you about..
Did you know that Sprint doesn't have a "long term missionary" phone plan? My mom has been trying to figure out what to do about her phone line since August. In the midst of a frustrated call with Sprint the other day, I said "what do you do if someone's in the military!?" to which the Sprint representative said that there was a special plan for those situations and asked if my sister was in the military.. And I responded in an extremely calm and loving way (or not..) stating that "No, my sister is not in the military, but she's in the same country as them and she doesn't even have a gun to protect herself!". Not my finest moment, but clearly I was having a moment of missing my sister.
What do you do with their room? Keep it exactly the same or turn it into a guest room - that of course she can use when she comes home, but then will it really feel like home for her?
I struggled with buying Christmas presents this year - shouldn't I take the money I'm spending on people and just send the money to her for this month? Or do I not buy anyone any presents and instead save the money to put towards a plane ticket to go visit her?
It's hard not to try and live like time is standing still while she's gone - I don't want her to miss out on anything! I recently moved out and it's been a lot of fun, but I hated packing and moving without her being here to help and be a part of it. I don't really want to date anyone because I don't want to risk falling in love and her not getting to know the guy and watch it happen. I'm so excited that she'll be here for VBS this summer, because I'd rather her be here for it than for me to exhaustingly recap it at the end of the week for her.
The hardest part of it all.. Is that saying this stuff feels wrong. For a lot of reasons. There are people going through life without a loved one because they've passed away, but my sister is alive and is a text or FaceTime call away (most days). She's healthy. We know she's coming home (even if just for a few weeks). And she's doing what God has called her to do.
That last one is really the thing that I struggle with the most. It feels WRONG to miss her and wish she was here.. When she is right where God wants her to be. I regularly wrestle with an insane amount of guilt for just wishing she was sleeping in her bedroom at my parent's house or teaching Sunday School with me. I've been told countless times that it's okay to miss her even if she is serving God, but it still feels wrong to say it. It feels like I'm doubting God's placement of her and control of the situation, even though I know she's exactly where she should be.
All this to say.. The holidays have been tough this year. I wish my sister was here.
But even through the tears (goodness, this post was tough to write out), I'm thankful for who Christ is, for how much He loves us, and for the love that my sister has for Him. That even on the toughest days, I can be confident in knowing that she is right where He wants her to be.
And if you've read through all of this, the next time you say a pray for a missionary you know.. Pray for their family, too.